Day 13: Thursday, November 24

Ate everything today. by that i mean i ate the gem, it’s pips and skin, and the apples and their cores. Certainly made me fuller but tummy ache got worse.

I re-watched the incredible Scorsese epic, The Departed, which contained a philosophy by Jack Nicholson’s character that spirited along the lines of, “What’s the difference between being a cop or a criminal when staring down the barrel of a loaded gun.” I can relate. Knysna doesn’t respect hard work. It’s not only personal experience. I’ve seen it happen to many, their efforts like hurling sand at the oncoming tide. In this town, more than in any other i’ve witnessed, you either have money or you don’t. Outside of that, it’s down to good or bad luck. So i tried to skip worrying and instead listen and sort music. I did no work at all – been a long time since i’ve given to abandonment. Afterall, it doesn’t really matter?

It’s raining outside,
teardrops for my life
Thoughts inside,
knife after knife

Brunch: 1 gem squash
Dinner: 2 apples

Day 14: Friday, November 25

Besides composing a business letter for someone, today was a furthering of yesterday’s bid at distraction. I listened to amazing music, the likes of Blitzen Trapper, Bats for Lashes and The XX – the indie route. I love music yet most of my time in Knysna has been spent only “liking” as challenge after challenge besieged my mind. It was nice to take an elongated, musical moment. It demanded coffee as company so i bummed 2 spoon’s worth of instant from Kevin, my landlord, and took a strong sip.

I find it incredibly difficult not to be constantly occupied so i seek control in deliberate actions that also appreciate the moment and simple beauties. This normally involves walking somewhere to sit. Since i’ve stayed at home for several days, i substituted “the world” with sitting in the garden. Bees had gotten there before me. Many of them. Yesterday’s rain and today’s bright sun had encouraged the weeds to sprout little, white flowers which were impossible to resist. I observed for an hour as they showed their heads between the petals so as to get their front legs closer to the pollen. They weren’t alone. There were several interesting bugs that i have no name for. Life was a party in front of me. I wondered if the weeds that humankind has become would also flower and throw a party in my lifetime?

I gained a suntan.

Tummy sore.

You are colours of nostalgia
in my world of shadow,
the rainbow counteractive
to my beautiful mind

Brunch: 1 gem squash
Dinner: 2 apples

Day 15: Saturday, November 26

I photographed the bees today which was a very difficult thing to do. Cheap camera, moving bees and half an hour did not capture the moment beautifully but at least it stored a little memory.

I decided to sort compilations of my favourite songs for the year, divided into Indie/Alternate, Rock, Hard Rock, Soft Rock and Metal. It’ll probably take me another 2 days to order my choices properly.

I played Age of Empire II. I love games which is why, ironically, i don’t have many. I’d be too distracted by wanting to finish what i start. But i keep simple, old exceptions. Age of Empires is one of them, a good way to distract the over-thinking brain. It’s impossible to maneuver against 5 enemy armies, on Hard level, and think about life at the same time. On rare occasions (not for month), i play putt-putt, Tetris, Pac-man and Space Invaders because they take minutes not hours or days.

During this “free” time, i’ve regularly been sorting papers and notepad scribblings that lie in a pile on my desk. I’ve also been backing up my computer (12 dvds worth before i ran out of discs). During this, i discovered a My Chemical Romance dvd i’ve had for over a year but hadn’t watched. That lead me to a drawer where music dvds had been neglected for over 2 years. In a row, i watched My Chemical Romance (Mexico), Bruce Springsteen (Hyde Park), Alien Ant Farm (Germany) and Jeff Beck in a sit-down restaurant/club. Jeff was amazing. Although he’s been ranked as one of the best guitarists in the world for the past 35 years (or so), i’ve never been drawn to full albums of instrumentals but rather individual gems. But watching him blew me away. It’s not only him as he’s was backed by a keyboardist, drummer and sexy, young bass player who were also incredibly talented (and given their due by a gracious legend). The venue looked like it could only hold 200 people which means it was a moment of intimacy that i would sorely have loved to share.

I can’t help but wonder if my years of hard work on music would’ve paid off in a place such as London? But, long ago, i chose to be South African…and tried to be a good one but all my efforts, music and causes, failed. Humanity continues to slide on apathy and selfishness towards it’s destruction. Even though i understand that destruction gives birth to life and temporary order, i’m not enjoying living in this exciting period.

I’m the ghost in the crowd,
a shadowy figment of my mind,
a hollow dispossession,
a nothing amongst millions

Brunch: 2 apples
Dinner: Nothing

Day 16: Sunday, November 27

I awoke just after 5am to the beautiful smatter of rain on the patio’s awning. I lay in the dark and listened for an hour. It was a moment of tranquillity i never wanted to end so i lit a joint i’d been given and smoked half of its littleness whilst drinking my most regular diet of black tea with one sugar. The moment calls for trippyness so i pushed play on Radiohead’s Kid A album. ‘Everything In Its Right Place’ is the appropriately entitled starter. Hello, old friends…

 “Just because you feel it, doesn’t means it’s there.”

Brunch: 2 apples
Dinner: 1 apple

Day 17: Monday, November 28

Feels like i’ve been swimming in an endless sea, trying to rescue the shipwreck of humanity but half-drowning myself in the process. In the beginning, there was debri i could cling to as i drifted further from land. When i wave would knock me off, i’d find the next piece. As time stretches, i’m spending more time swimming to less and less debri to save me. What happens when there’s no more? My arms are already exhausted. I’m sinking into the Great Unknown.

I’d previously being backwards in my viewing of Breaking Bad’s season 2 and 3 first. Last night i started watching the first series which had been loaned to me weeks ago. I totally relate to the main character. If you haven’t seen it yet, go hire it.

Yogesh popped by and brought with the present of a can of Pringles. I ate half in seconds but then reminded myself of control and gave my landlord the other half.

Brunch: Apple + 1/2 Pringles crisps.
Dinner: The last apple.

I’m tired of scribbling.

The world is
running out tonight
I will fall
or i will crawl.